Super Deluxe Wash
by Prander
Summary: Not so fun for everyone! Hope this brings ya a laugh. Thanks for the feedback and reviews and please check out my profile or forum for a personal thank you. :)
1. Chapter 1

"Come on Arcee, live a little."

"It's car wash, Jack."

"Yeah, in the middle of the desert. For Jasper Nevada that's progress!"

Jack rode Arcee down county road eight on his way into town. It was Friday night and he couldn't help but feel a little elated. He had been waiting all week to take Arcee into town and see what the big deal was about the new 'Suds-n-go' car wash. The great fully automated monstrosity whose opening was as big an event as the summer fair.

Sure it reeked of small town desperation, but you couldn't deny the appeal when Cheeseland Pizza franchise partnered with Suds-n-go Incorporated to form a huge car wash fast food entertainment center. What was more Sierra worked there. She didn't really need the job, but she was more or less cashing in on being at the center of the latest 'happening' thing in Jasper.

For now.

She'd loose interest just as soon as the place lost some appeal, but for once Jack could pop in on her and visit her at _her _job.

And besides, he was tasked with snatching up a few pizzas to bring back to the base. All in all a fine little outing to be enjoyed.

"Come on, Arcee. It won't be that bad."

"Uh huh."

**ooo**

Jack pulled up to the curb smoothly, a little disappointed that Sierra wasn't on hand to see his arrival. But that did nothing to dampen his spirits as he dropped the kickstand and hopped off, headed for the front door to the pizza half of the building and barely noticing the huge corporate monster car wash that roared and rumbled off to the right.

Arcee's receptors went wide as she watched the wash entrance belch out steam and soap as the huge door went up and two automated arms reached out to drag the next vehicle, filled with delighted teens, in through the opening. To her Transformer's soul it was like the building was frothing at the mouth and swallowing vehicles!

She was to distracted to notice Jack's nemesis Vince suddenly standing next to her and there's was little she could do about it anyway.

Vince sneered as as he looked down at her, an evil gleam in his eye.

"Come on Vince let's go inside!" One his cronies called out from the door to the pizza eatery.

Vince bounded up onto the sidewalk, whipped out his wallet and quickly zipped his credit card through the prepay wash check out.

"What are you doing man?" Another snide looking teen called out.

"He's buying a car wash?"

"What the hell man, let's go. I'm hungry."

But Vince wouldn't be denied.

"Shut up and get over here. Gimme a hand! You! Keep an eye out for Darby."

His friend came stomping down the cement steps, sniffing in boredom as he eyed Darby's narrow blue motorcycle.

"What, so like...we're gonna wash it for him?"

"That's exactly right." Vince crowed. "This is so worth eight bucks! High Triple Deluxe! Let's see how Darby like's a wet seat on the way home. And who knows what else will get snapped off!"

Into the prank now, his friend grabbed Arcee's other handle and together they muscled her down the five yards to the wash entrance and steadied her on the ramp waiting for the door to open.

"This is gonna be great!" Vince cackled.

Arcee didn't dare move.

_Oh scrap!_

**ooo**

Jack was happily oblivious and currently occupied with trying to figure out how to catch Sierra's attention as he spotted her zipping around in the back. He leaned against the ticket counter and turned to the huge glass windows that looked inside the automated car wash.

Apparently the thing was so_ fully _automated you could let it handle everything and come inside to place your order. Suds'n'go had a promise that both car and pizza would be ready and waiting at the end of the building. You could even ride a small plush bumper car on a conveyor belt as you waited, watching your car get the full treatment down the long bank of windows. Well, whatever. He could stall for time if he was just here for pizza. Even as he watched some kids from school slowly wheeled by in their car, waving at him and making faces.

He laughed and waved back.

**ooo**

The first thing Arcee thought when the door opened was that she was finally going to kill a human being once she got out of this.

_You're so dead, Freckles!_

Then the two great arms swooped out of the steam and grabbed her by the front tire. Vince and his friend cackled as she was yanked inside, but frowned a little perplexed as Arcee applied full brakes, her back tire squeaking in protest as she was dragged inside.

It didn't do any good. The great door slammed behind her and her nightmare began.

She immediately transformed, but her slender arms were still locked in the vice like grip of the two garish and blocky robotic automatons with their bulky arms.

"Greetings citizen and welcome to Suds-n-go!" Two speakers blared from the walls on each side of her head.

"Get off me!"

The two mock-robots obliging whipped her forwards and slammed her down face first on the moving conveyor belt as a giant spinning brush slid down from the ceiling and closed in on from behind.

She craned her neck to look back over her shoulder and her eyes went wide.

**ooo**

Jack's heart skipped a beat when Sierra herself spotted him and called out.

"Hey Jack! Good to see you! I'll be right back!" And then she was off again. That was fine by him because he was so rattled he was still trying to form a reply, straightening up from the ticket counter with a stammer.

He rubbed the back of his neck with his customary motion and turned away, already half mortified he had done something wrong.

He thought he heard a familiar cry. He looked up just in time through the first window of the car wash to see Arcee rear up to her feet, gripping her paddled ass with both hands and her perfectly round mouth spitting out what could only be a blue streak of cursing.

"Oh my God! Arcee?!" Jack cried, to shocked for words. He spun around and fumbled with his wallet, yanking out some cash to buy a ticket for the adjoining bumper car ride.

Arcee spotted him and her hands slammed up against the glass. He could barely hear her muffled words through the thick window as she thrust her face up to the glass.

_ Jack! Get me out of here! I'm being violated! _

"Hold on! Don't let anyone see you!" He cried back, jabbing buttons and trying to get the machine to give him a ticket as Arcee slowly rolled ahead of him. Even as he watched, twenty under carriage nozzles popped up from the floor around her.

_What the fu..._

The multi-colored sprays blasted upwards at Arcee, the infrared trackers staying with her as she squealed and danced about from toe to toe in the steam like she was prancing on hot coals.

_Oh God! I'm gonna die! Jaaack!_

"Just hang on! Try and stay low!" He cried.

"Who are you talking to?" Sierra said behind him.

Jack spun around.

"Sierra! Hi! No, I was just saying...uh...let's go!" And desperate to the point of panic, he dragged her into the bumper car with him and plopped her down with her back to glass as he clicked the door shut behind him.

Sierra laughed a derisive little chuckle.

"Jack! I can't ride this thing with you. I could get in trouble!" Her cheeks pinked a little.

"Come on, you? Besides whats that I see? Assistant manager? Already?'

Encouraged, Sierra looked down at her badge of office and launched into a casual recounting of how she had been promoted. Jack leaned back as much as he dared to look around her shoulder through the windows sliding by.

Arcee was hopping up and down with her hands pressed over her face but then the floor steam cut out and she risked a peek through her fingers. She spun back around to Jack, furious.

_Get me the hell..._

And then she spotted Sierra.

Her eyes went wide and Jack cringed even as he managed a smile and nodded his head at Sierras ambling story.

_Why you horny little..._

And then four power wash nozzles blasted her from above.

"So Sierra, do you have to uh...work all weekend?" He tried to ignore Arcee brandishing a fist at him while batting at the current of pressurized suds.

_Gawdammit!_

"Yes but only until ten. Umm...we really didn't have to ride this. Or did you come here in that yellow car?" She made to turn around and look.

"No no no! I brought my bike."

"Oh."

Jack looked pale as Arcee flailed about behind her.

As he watched, the spray cut off and four vertical brushes slammed down around Arcee and whisked back and forth across her like windshield wipers, tossing her around like a rag doll.

"Thing is about that car...uh..."

_Stupid mother fu..._

"I need a special permit for that and I have to wait until I'm eighteen."

_ Inbred ding dong..._

"A permit?" Sierras upturned little nose crinkled.

"Did I say permit? I meant to say permission. You know how it is."

_Horseshit dry ass..._

"Yeah, but your mom would rather have you ride that bike?"

_Fuckin' Jasper Nevada!_

"It's more economic than anything. Just for now." he tried to wave it off.

"Do you hear something?" Sierra started to look around.

"Maybe I could get a job here! The pays better and the view is beautiful." Jack followed up in a rush as he sat forward.

Sierra blinked in surprise and then blushed a little, looking down at her hands as Jack sat back, stunned at his unintentional smooth compliment.

_Oh gimme a break!_

He turned to see Arcee, soaked to the bone under a hail of fat rain drops now, roll her eyes and turn away just before a huge rubber roller slammed down from above and laid her out flat on her back.

"Oh no!" Jack blurted.

"What?!" Sierra looked up.

"I just...uh...forgot something." He winced as the huge roller happily pummeled up and down on Arcee, her legs flying up into the air with each 'whump' on her body.

_Unh! Ahh! Jacth! Ummf! Ugh! Futh!_

"It's easy to forget things when talking to you." Jack went on. Sierra smiled shyly again and bit her lip. Her voice had tiny catch in it and she couldn't look Jack in the eye.

"That's a sweet thing to say." She reached over and touched his hand briefly instead. The roller lifted away and Jack swallowed hard.

_ Okay. Alright. _

"There's more I would like to say but maybe you have to get back to work?!" Jack pulled back and wiped his hands on his pants, looking extremely uncomfortable.

Sierra looked a little put out and crestfallen.

Arcee slowly rose up to her feet, her armor a blotchy mess of black rubber streaks and dirty soap. The spike on her helmet was bent.

_No more misses nice bitch._

"Oh. Yeah. Well. I guess." Sierra looked out over the complex and the small bumper car they rode in.

"Maybe you could give me a ride home in another kind of car sometime, huh?" she tried to recover and keep Jack's attention.

_I'm gonna fuck this place up. _

"No, you can't!" Jack cried, startling Sierra who looked even more hurt.

"Excuse me?!" She said, her eyes a swirl of confusion.

"What I mean is...not tonight. I rode my bike to come see you." He tried to keep one eye on Sierra and one on Arcee as she turned to see the two blocky automatons come rolling back down a track.

_What do you to two clowns want now?_

"Oh, you mean some other time? Tomorrow night? That would be great. I'd love to see that car again." Sierra looked thrilled.

The two automatons raised there rigid arms and Arcee's head swiveled from one to the other before a blast of hot wax burst out from both, pinning her between the streams. She fought to break free, holding her hands up and gagging.

_Aaablarghghaaalalale!_

"Oh my God she's going to be so mad." Jack whimpered.

"Your mom? Is this about getting permission?" Sierra teased him with a little frown.

Jack saw that the ride was coming to an end and tried to be nonchalant as possible as he stood up and unlatch the bumper car door.

"No no, not that. Umm...anyway, it shouldn't be a problem. I'd be happy too! Because I don't think I'll be riding my bike back here any time soon."

He waited for Sierra to step out, putting himself between her and the window. He risked a glance over his shoulder. Arcee was busy wrenching one of the wax bots over in a headlock.

_How do you like it, huh? Junk yard mother fucker!_

She slammed her fist repeatedly up into it's face and turned to fling it down on the ground.

_ Here's a deluxe ass kickin'! _

She continued to stomped away as Jack hustled Sierra back to the pizza counter and put his order in.

**ooo**

When Jack came out the back of the Suds-n-go, he hoped no one would notice him. Not that he had to worry, though. People had gathered at the back end of the car wash to examine the great steel doors bent and twisted on their track as if something had cut it's way through. Balancing the two pizza boxes he came up to Arcee.

Her headlight turned towards him.

"Get. On." She said.

"I am sooo..."

"I said..." She replied. "Get. On."

Jack winced but then pulled up short.

"But the seats all wet." he whined as she started her engine.

Her voice dripping with sarcasm Arcee answered him.

"It won't be that bad!" she mocked him in a sing song voice.

Desert or not...it was a cold ride home.


	2. Chapter 2

Late one evening, Vince stomped down the hallway to his room with a heaping plate of cookies and a huge glass of milk.

"Vince, did you at least take out the garbage?" His mother called.

"Yeah yeah yeah! Cripes, can't a guy catch a break around here?!" He cried out without turning, walking into his room and slamming the door shut behind him with his foot. His was a pretty tricked out bedroom on the second floor of a lavish home at the back of a cul de' sac in the richer neighborhood of Jasper Nevada.

He had to get up early in order to beat the crowds at the Speed Mile race shop in the next town over. He had his eye on some wicked additions for his car, tucked safely down in the three stall garage of his parents home, but he wanted a snack.

Flopping on his bed among all the car mags and dirty shirts, he only noticed the posters plastered all over his walls were ruffling slightly once he had a cookie crammed into his mouth.

He sat back up, turning to see his window was fully open and desert region or not, the nights could get cool in Nevada. Plus he had leather jackets and stereo parts in here not to mention his bitchin' laptop and flat screen.

Second story or not he knew that window had been closed not more than five minutes ago.

"What the fuff?" He mumbled, working through his cookie. Getting up he stomped over to the window, batting at the black curtains as they blew in the breeze.

Before he slammed it down, he heard someone whisper his name. A woman's voice. Outside? Definitely. He quickly finished chewing and swallowed, staring at the open black square of his window pointing out into the backyard.

Vince was rather above thinking this was odd and a slow grin spread over his face. After all, he was _Vince._ Babes _should_ seek him out in the middle of the night, right?

He brushed the cookie crumbs off his black pajama bottoms. Should he whip his t-shirt off?

Instead, he knelt down and leaned out the window, wondering what pretty honey would be gazing longingly up at him and whether or not he could climb down from here.

"Who is it?" He called, pitching his voice low.

A blue steel hand the size of his chest reached down almost gently and took him by the neck, pulling him out of the window as easily as a tissue from the box.

Vince squeaked just once as suddenly he was hanging free in the cold night air of his backyard, suspended in the air and being lifted up higher yet.

He was so startled he couldn't make a sound, reaching up to grip the cold steel fingers wrapped around his neck. Something large and impossibly tall loomed next to his window and it was turning Vince to face it.

"A Sponge Bob t-shirt. I might have known." Arcee growled, her blue eyes gleaming in the dim evening air.

"Omigawd!" Vince squealed, his voice suddenly much higher.

"Who are you?!" He cried, mortified by how his feet were higher than his bedroom window, staring at the metal monster which had plucked him from his bedroom.

Arcee leaned in close, her eyes two burning pools of blue fire.

"Trouble." she snarled.

**ooo**

It was never really explained how Vince ended up like he did. Or how someone had managed to sneak his car out of his garage without him knowing.

Or any other such details of that infamous night.

And he would throw a fit if anyone asked, too.

Yet still he stayed tight lipped to the end of his days about it as if something beyond the norm had put a fear in him over the whole debacle.

It was better for him somehow to endure the humiliation, but no one ever knew how he end up suspended by his underwear from a stop sign that had been rammed through the windshield of his car, tied up with a Sponge Bob t-shirt, and sent through the Suds-n-Go car wash with the whole world able to see his bare ass. _Or_ how it had been whipped beet-red with his own antenna.

No, no one ever found out.

...and no one ever bought Jack Darby a car wash again.


End file.
